If your family is already providing care for a loved one and a change in the care plan is needed, or if circumstances require your family to take on a caregiving role, making sound, well-thought-out decisions as a group can be challenging. Families need to collaborate, problem-solve, and reach a consensus before initiating or revising a caregiving plan. Here are some best practices for families to consider when making decisions that are realistic and respectful of their loved one’s needs.
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Tip 1: Treat Your Loved One’s Emotions with Respect
When your loved one has the cognitive ability to be part of the decision-making process, it is crucial to ask them how they feel about the situation and give them a chance to express their expectations or desires for their care. Accepting help is not always easy. As people age, certain physical abilities and skill sets may become compromised. When your loved one has to accept help or give up some level of independence, they may experience increased worry, stress, and sometimes even emotional trauma. For example, the loss of vision or the ability to drive is often met with denial, anger, or depression. These emotions deserve patience, empathy, and understanding from all family members.
Consider for a moment that you are the care recipient, and your family members come to you with decisions that will change how you live your life without first consulting you. Imagine the frustration and upset you would feel. To avoid this, it is essential to listen to the individual’s opinions and ideas rather than making decisions for them.
When initiating or revising a care plan, remember that involving the care recipient in decision-making can lead to successful buy-in and positive outcomes. The goal is to honor the care recipient’s ability to maintain as much independence as possible and live their life to the fullest. While there may be some negotiation, allowing the care recipient to be involved increases the likelihood that they will feel heard and accept the changes.
Tip 2: Treat Family Members’ Emotions with Respect, Too
When a change, whether abrupt or gradual, in a loved one’s physical or mental function requires steps to be taken to protect them, family members may experience feelings of overwhelm, increased stress, worry, or even anger as they perceive a challenge to their own daily life.
If such feelings arise, it is time for some honest self-assessment. For everyone’s well-being, each family member should ask themselves whether their personal feelings and attitudes toward the care recipient and situation are objective, and if they can contribute to the most positive outcome for all involved. Each family member deserves to share their thoughts, concerns, and opinions in a respectful environment. If family members cannot agree on whether the problem is real or exaggerated, or if some cannot accept others’ limitations in taking on a caregiver role, it may be helpful to bring in a trusted third party to provide the necessary objectivity.
Tip 3: Investigate All Options and Discuss the Best Ones
Choice is a powerful thing—it can improve almost any situation by giving us a sense of control. When things seem to be spiraling out of control, or when circumstances threaten to take away our autonomy, having choices can be empowering. So, when discussing changes with your loved one, provide at least a couple of options. Keep the conversation simple to avoid confusion, and be open to considering the best options—not just what you feel is best. Together, identify the benefits and limitations of each option to ensure clarity. Having choices can help provide that all-important sense of control, which may reduce resistance. Take it slow and stay positive, regardless of the outcome of the discussion. Remember, there is always another way to present the choices later, so it is acceptable to plant seeds during an initial conversation.
Tip 4: Recognize That Taking Risks Is Everyone’s Right
As we focus on caring for our aging loved one, it is natural for family members to become concerned about safety issues in the home. You may find that when you try to discuss the situation, your aging family member is firmly against any changes.
It is important to recognize that any mentally competent adult, regardless of age, has the right to make their own choices as long as they do not put others at risk. We cannot overrule decisions made by a mentally competent person; we can only try to influence them. Not accepting help is often one of the most challenging situations to navigate with your loved one. It may be best to have one family member discuss their “what if” fears and safety concerns with the care recipient. Then, the conversation can shift to care options in case of an injury.
Now, consider a situation where someone is suddenly impaired or has declined to the point where they can no longer make informed decisions for themselves, and the family must step in to provide care or arrange for care assistance. At this point, someone must act as the temporary family leader to put a care plan in place.
Tip 5: Hallmarks of a Successful Family Meeting
Advance preparation for a family meeting can make the difference between a mediocre and a successful one. For now, it is best to have one person take the lead in gathering the family for a decision-making session. Here are some suggestions for that person to consider:
- Send an email to all family members before the meeting to ask them to list their concerns and availability should tasks need to be assigned.
- Choose a neutral setting for the meeting, or if more appropriate, set up a Zoom or tele-video conference call at an agreed-upon date and time.
- Stay focused on the care recipient’s current challenges and avoid dwelling on past family conflicts.
- Allow each family member to share their thoughts, concerns, and opinions.
- If caregiving responsibilities are to remain within the family, discuss tasks and time requirements, then assign roles. Accept that not everyone is suited to every role—some are good at finances, others at driving, and still others at scheduling. Not everyone has to provide direct care unless circumstances require it.
- Prepare and send a meeting review to all family members, recapping the agreed-upon solutions and options.
- Set a start date for duties and ensure follow-through.
- Schedule regular family meetings.
A family meeting is not always easy. There may be several reasons that prevent rational discussion and decision-making. If you find yourself in a situation where past issues prevent civility, it may be best to seek professional guidance.
As a Clinical Gerontologist, I facilitate many family meetings, providing a safe and confidential environment for sharing. I stress the importance of objectivity and validate all members as they share their concerns and opinions. This approach helps the family engage in positive discussion and uncover solutions that lead to the right decisions to improve the care recipient’s quality of life.
Call to Action:
For more information, call 650-410-0839 or schedule a 90-minute consultation with Kathy Faenzi.
Visit our website at kathyfaenzi.com/services.
Kathy C. Faenzi MA is a Clinical Gerontologist and Senior Care Consultant based in Northern, CA.
Sources
- AARP – Offers guidance on caregiving and family dynamics. AARP Caregiving Resources
- Family Caregiver Alliance – Provides tips and resources for family caregivers. Family Caregiver Alliance
- Mayo Clinic – Discusses the emotional aspects of caregiving and decision-making. Mayo Clinic Caregiver Resources
- National Institute on Aging – Provides advice on planning and decision-making in caregiving. NIH Caregiving
- Alzheimer’s Association – Offers support for families dealing with Alzheimer’s and dementia-related caregiving. Alzheimer’s Caregiving Resources
These sources provide comprehensive information on caregiving, family dynamics, and decision-making processes that could further support your document.